Why do I ruin things the second they start going well?
You sign the dream client. You meet someone who treats you right. You finally get into a healthy routine. And within 48 hours… you start an unnecessary fight, procrastinate on a deadline and that Pilates membership card is gathering dust.. You think: "What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I like this?"
Nothing is wrong with you. Your nervous system is wired to equate familiarity with safety. You’re subconsciously aligning with a shadow that fucks things up because you might want the good stuff, but you can’t handle the good stuff.
If chronic stress, unpredictability, or walking on eggshells was your baseline growing up, genuine peace feels terrifying. To your subconscious, calm doesn't feel safe- it feels like an ambush waiting to happen. Trust me, I know. I used to be the one spending money, leaving partners in the wind only to regret it later and blow a diet in under 24 hours. For the life of me, I could not hold on to the good stuff because ultimately, I was terrified it would be taken from me. So naturally, I took it from myself first. (Nobody says this is logical or rational lol).
Your shadow blows it up on purpose. It would rather create a familiar disaster it knows how to survive than sit in the foreign tension of things going right. They genuinely think they’re protecting you. It’s funny what you find when you start talking to your shadows.
You don't fix this with journal prompts or mindset hacks alone. You start healing it with titration- slowly stretching your nervous system's capacity to hold success, peace, and goodness without short-circuiting and throwing the baby out with the bathwater.
So instead of going wild at the bottomless brunch, you set yourself a limit and stick to it. You keep promises to yourself, showing up in moments you don’t want to, like going to the gym or going to the dentist. Instead of spending all your moolah the day it comes in, you get a thrill from filling in your spreadsheets and checking your investment account.
Finally, allowing your mind, body and soul to relax, be present and receive the good is a skill, especially for trauma survivors and as a survivor myself, that is precisely what I teach. I had to learn to let good people love me. I had to accept compliments and monetary exchange for my business to thrive. I embody what I teach, and I’d love to be your guide.
