Failure Induced Shame
How shame becomes insidious and prevents us from trying and failing
Shame is an intense feeling that we often avoid. It can also consume us. Shame is a belief of unworthiness, a flawed sense of self when it becomes chronic. Shame is also described as a feeling that arises when you go against your moral compass or break societal norms. There are different experiences of shame and context, so here are some examples
I made a mistake and fear rejection or exile from the group or community. I will fix it by showing them how good I am (or loveable etc)
I think I made a wrong decision and someone suffered as a result. I feel deep remorse and feel like a terrible person. I must fix this.
Typically, shame is an incongruence with who you are as a person and believe me, I’ve met many different types of shame. Chronic shame is a deep-seated psychological injury often stemming from trauma, often from childhood abuse or hostile environments, either at home or school. In these spaces, emotions are rejected, and there is poor attunement between caregiver and child.
As children, we look to our parents and teachers for support and guidance, when this is lacking or we are shut down from true emotional expression, we begin to internalise this. A child can’t rationalise that their parent isn’t capable of meeting their needs; they don’t have the understanding yet that their parent doesn’t have the capacity to emotionally connect for whatever reason. Usually from their own childhood trauma and lack of support in their parenting, thus continuing a cycle.
I fear a universal experience was us crying at the table after school, whilst a parent shouted at us for not getting their shit explanations. Again, as a child, I couldn’t understand that my dad shouting at me was because he felt ashamed. He 1) couldn’t help or teach me, and 2) couldn’t control his temper or nervous system responses, making him extremely reactive.
This wasn’t my first experience with shame, but it has been one of the most pervasive. I have struggled with maths my entire life, despite being a top student in every other subject, which is now a common red flag teachers should be catching, as it commonly shows a lack of classroom support or a learning difference. I went through my entire schooling and university experience thinking I was an idiot who was bad at maths, when I actually had dyscalculia and needed adjustments to support my learning.
The shame compounded. I was the only person in my P7 class to fail a maths test. I genuinely thought I’d never be allowed to advance to secondary school. I was placed in the low maths classes in high school again, despite doing well in other subjects. That was until I got the smarts bullied out of me. It was either be intelligent and an outcast or dumb down and fit in. Naturally, I chose the latter because I had a fractured sense of self due to childhood abuse. My mum was my first bully, so I never really had ‘good’ female friends because of how this relationship was modelled for me. Once again, I believed I was the problem when people fell out with me or excluded me.
When I was writing my dissertation at Uni, I had a lecturer who had no interest in supporting me (Dr Boyd, if you’re reading this, you’re a dick). I asked him to show me the flow of an equation again, and he said, “I’ve already shown you this”. I was mortified. Again, I assumed I was stupid, I was embarrassed and afraid of him, afraid of further rejection, and it impacted my dissertation score.
I’ve since learned about ‘twice exceptional’, which refers to intellectually gifted children who have one or more learning disabilities such as dyscalculia, dyslexia, ADHD, or autism spectrum disorder. Twice-exceptional children think and process information differently. 2e children may be more emotionally and intellectually sensitive than those of average intelligence. So if you’re reading this as a parent and you know your child is struggling with one subject, it’s worth exploring learning differences.
Unfortunately, by the time I learned all this and got my Autism and ADHD diagnoses, the shame had taken a deep, insidious root inside of me.
Shame: “a knowledge that one is somehow in the wrong; accompanied by a sense of intense exposure and a sense of wanting to withdraw or conceal oneself; this is further accompanied by a strong negative affective response, a feeling of emotional pain or anguish” (Dolezal 2022). This chronic shame becomes self-annihilating, and we tend to have more critical parts of us emerge.
I think one of the worst parts about shame is that Failure Induced Shame impedes us from trying something new or becoming someone new. Your brain and body cannot predict whether you’d be shamed or not in these new experiences, so it is safer to stick to familiarity, even though you rationally know it doesn’t feel good.
I see many types of shame in myself and my clients, notably women who are extremely capable, smart and ambitious, but an inherent shame and fear of failure keeps them stuck. Mistakes are how we learn and experiment, yet for women, there is an extra layer of scrutiny. We are held to different standards, and, more so, women of colour. We are expected to go above and beyond, and when we say no, others try to shame us into submission.
Some of our biggest failures became our greatest blessings. A mistake led you somewhere new or relieved you from a toxic experience. It’s the art of not making it about us that matters, and using it as information gathering. However, that takes time and self-compassion.
Your inner critic is the punitive voice that comes out when you spill a drink, say something that lands awkwardly in a group, and dissect it at 3 am, cringing and can often be a consistent monologue keeping you small, either from a place of twisted safety or low self-worth that you don’t deserve better.
The way forward I have found most helpful, as my clients have, is to talk to yourself as you would a child or a friend. We would never in our wildest dreams treat another person like that, and sometimes, before you direct that compassion to yourself, you need a degree of separation, lest you get overwhelmed. Sometimes a person’s internal system cannot accept self-compassion yet and will become more critical or shut down.
Secondly, get to know your morals and values. Have you ever sat down and really thought about the things you stand for, the things you won’t tolerate, and the kind of person you want to be? If some shame is an incongruence between you and your values, it’s worthwhile getting familiar with them. It’s also important to note who you feel shame around and question why that is.
Shadow work and metacognition will help you track the parts: ‘who is talking / driving the car’. This is about noticing how you speak to yourself and catching the loop, breaking the loop and reframing experiences. You are rewiring your brain through repetition.
Lastly, learning to sit with the shame is often the most profound experience, unburdening the parts of us that hold it. This requires capacity within your nervous system because the sensations and emotions range from uncomfortable to painful. Somatic Therapy helps you build capacity to work with these experiences, and most commonly, what I’ve learned is that these parts and your body just want to be validated and witnessed in their pain. Just like the child who wanted to be held by their parent. You must attune to yourself, your needs and coach yourself through experiences.
I’m not saying you’ll never feel shame again if you do this work. You will have the capacity to sit with it and start healing it.
References
Budiarto Y, Helmi AF. Shame and Self-Esteem: A Meta-Analysis. Eur J Psychol. 2021 May 31;17(2):131-145. doi: 10.5964/ejop.2115. PMID: 35136434; PMCID: PMC8768475.
Dolezal L. The Horizons of Chronic Shame. Hum Stud. 2022;45(4):739-759. doi: 10.1007/s10746-022-09645-3. Epub 2022 Oct 14. PMID: 36483088; PMCID: PMC7613895.
Wang W, Song S, Wang J, Liu Q, Huang L, Chen X. Shame on You! When and Why Failure-Induced Shame Impedes Employees' Learning From Failure in the Chinese Context. Front Psychol. 2021 Oct 6;12:725277. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2021.725277. PMID: 34690883; PMCID: PMC8526793.
